Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Life is easy for some and hard for others.

I have often marveled at how life in general appears to come easy for some people, while everything is a constant struggle in life for others. Then again, the grass always appears greener on the other side. I will admit that life in general seems to be a constant struggle for me and that nothing comes easy for me. But that is my perception and others may disagree with me on my opinion. I tend to see the glass as half empty and not half full. People tell me to just think positive and that everything will work out. I try to think positive, but it always seems to backfire. How does a person focus on the positive and not on the negative in life? How can you change your perception of life and believe that it can come easy for you in some ways. This is the question that I have struggled with most of my life.

I know that I have been blessed with many good people and events in my life such as my husband, parents, siblings, friends and my two dogs. I have been fortunate to earn both my bachelor and master's degrees in history and that I can pursue my dream of becoming a historian and college professor. However, the one thing that I want in my life more than anything else in the world is a child and that does not seem to be easy for me to achieve. The people around me seem to get pregnant easily while my womb remains empty. I know that I have PCOS which will make getting pregnant difficult (see prior posts about this subject). I take my temperature every month and chart it to ensure that I am ovulating and my husband does his part, but still no baby. I feel that time is working against me, both because of my age (turning 30 in November) and my health issues. We can't afford fertility treatments because our health insurance will not cover it.

People tell me to relax and it will come. But every time I hear that, I want to scream. I don't want to be told to relax and it will happen. That does not help with how I feel. It does not help with the empty feeling inside and the feeling of inadequacy of not being a complete woman since I can't seem to get pregnant. Hopefully writing this will make me feel better. Thanks for reading.